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Finally finished writing my horoscopes. You can see these babies in next month’s edition of OPUS magazine. 

Aries

The position of Jupiter suggests your aura will be focused on the past. You will be contacted by an old friend, perhaps from primary school, who wishes to discuss an exciting new buisness venture. Be careful letting him back into your life, he is actually a serial killer that has stolen your friends skin and assumed his identity. Try overwhelming him with your superior vocabulary. If this fails, hit him over the head with a brick. 

Taurus

Due to the alignment of the sun and the earth, you may experience some slight tanning around your shoulders and your left ankle. As tempting as it might be to strut your thing down at the local bowls club, Zues urges you to practice caution; your new, healthy glow will lead to a distorted sense of optimism. Your best option now is to lock yourself inside and curl up into a weeping, naked ball on the bathroom floor. 

Gemini

Some vague astral event will impact on your life in a way that may or may not effect your relationship with your mother/sister/neighbour’s dog/estranged lesbian aunt. When dealing with certain situations, try and think proactivley and consider all outlying factors. Remember, subtlty will be your most important tool. Your star-vegetable is the capsicum. 

Cancer

You may be pleasantly suprised this week when you run into Wesley Snipes rummaging through the discount DVD bin at K-Mart. Don’t lose your cool! Remember, even Hollywood actors start out as tiny Vietnamese prostitutes. Divert his attention by throwing The Complete Series of Daria at an elderly woman’s face and then proceed to extract the drivers liscence from his back pocket. You are now Wesley Snipes. 

Leo

Your natural aptitude for leadership will finally be recognised this week when you are put in charge of a small african nation. As your initial intentions of good-will slowly degrade into a blood-soaked power orgy, remember to take some time off to treat yourself. Take a warm relaxing bath, assasinate your political rivals, throw money out of a blimp. This week is all about you! 

Virgo

All that time you spent wandering around carparks and scratching yourself will pay off  this week when your friends decide to admit you to a psychiatric hospital. Now you finally have a solid, medically validated excuse to stay indoors all day and watch the Disney Channel. Remember, stay away from the colour orange and never let anyone know you’re not crazy. 

Libra

The moon is in its spiral phase; now would be a good time to throw out that ‘So Fresh 2008’ CD that is lodged in the glove box of your Mitsubishi Lancer. This week is all about getting your life back together again. Take a sprig of sage and waft it through the air, this will promote weight loss and good reasoning. Your spirit-pokemon is the Diglett. 

Scorpio

You go Scorpio! This week is all about looking fab-u-lous! Try wearing a brightly coloured tube top over a pair of mahogony slacks . This will divert his attention away from your pustulous facial tumors and back to your femenine love pegs. Now is not a good time to be conservative with your money, within a week you and your entire family will be dead. 

Saggitarius

Uranas, your lord and master, imbues you with an inner radiance and a fiery penchant for hole-punching. A contentious issue may arise during a heated debate, challenging your newly formed frienship with the actor who played Malcolm’s Mum in Malcolm in the Middle. Try drinking soda water with a fresh slice of lemon. This will appease your unholy thirst for blood while at the same time helping to bring out your zesty personality. 

Capricorn

The Horsehead Nebula is in the ninety-eighth position, ensuring rest and good fortune. This  week you will seek to justify the morality of your decisions, inevitably reaching the conclusion that nothing exists but empty space and your own conciousness, thus rendering all actions intrinsically meaningless. You will decide to illustrate this by covering your naked body in mayonaise and galloping through a crowded intersection. 

Aquarius

Dionysus brings about a week of high spirits and indulgence. Upon failing to produce a convincing excuse, you will be coerced into playing goon-of-fortune with your elderly grandmother. Try to remain nonchalant when she begins to bombard you with stories from her ‘wild college years’. Especially the one about Marlon Brando and the pickle jar. Your soul-instrument is the bassoon. 

Pisces

Pluto is in the missionary position, anticipating social evolution and change. While this week is all about expressing yourself in exciting and unorthadox ways, don’t expect new growth to come quickly. Genital reconstruction surgery is just the initial stepping stone in the long road of sexual reassignment. Remember to sell off those old uni textbooks, medical bills alone can rack up tens of thousands of dollars.