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So I just volunteered for a job writing horoscopes for our uni’s magazine.

I’ve got four done and I thought I’d post em just to see if people think I’m on the right track. 

Aries

The position of Jupiter suggests your aura will be focused on the past. You will be contacted by an old friend, perhaps from primary school, who wishes to discuss an exciting new buisness venture. Be careful letting him back into your life, he is actually a serial killer that has stolen your friends skin and assumed his identity. Try overwhelming him with your superior vocabulary. If this fails, hit him over the head with a brick.

Taurus

Due to the alignment of the sun and the earth, you may experience some slight tanning around your shoulders and your left ankle. As tempting as it is to strut your thing down at the local bowels club, Zues urges you to practice caution; your new, healthy glow will lead to a distorted sense of optimism. Your best option now is to lock yourself inside and curl up into a weeping, naked ball on the bathroom floor. 

Gemini

Some vague astral event will impact on your life in a way that may or may not effect your relationship with your mother/sister/neighbour’s dog/estranged lesbian aunt. When dealing with certain situations, try and think proactivley and consider all outlying factors. Remember, subtlty will be your most important tool. Your star-vegetable is the capsicum. 

Cancer

You may be pleasantly suprised this week when you run into Wesley Snipes rummaging through the discount DVD bin at K-Mart. Don’t lose your cool! Remember, even Hollywood actors start out as tiny Vietnamese prostitutes. Divert his attention by throwing The Complete Series of Daria at an elderly woman’s head and then proceed to extract the drivers liscence from his back pocket. You are now Wesley Snipes. 

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  1. iamfuckingjesus posted this